This one was hard, and its the end of this experiment. Most of the stubs up to now have been short, little forays into different genres. This one took up ten pages in my notebook. I both loved and hated writing it, and I hope I get the chance to fix it some day.
“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit,” intoned the minister, one hand holding the holy book and the other stretched out over the coffin, “we ask thee, Lord, to accept into everlasting peace your servant Nicole Hailie. Carry her forth into your bosom, lord, and let her struggle and worry no more.”
John looked around as the preacher continued his resquiet. The chairs on the lawn surrounding the grave had been arranged in a loose circle, and John could see most of the faces of those gathered in memory of the newly dead. Directly across from him sat Nika’s family, her mother openly weeping and with an expression so intense in grief that it could not be described with words or painted by any master. Nicole’s father clung to her mother absently, his expression the same look of saddened confusion John had seen on his face for most of the day; he looked like a man who had stumbled into a confusing and frightening dream which he kept expecting to wake from.
The rest of Nika’s family sat to either side of and behind her parents, their faces all appropriate masks of grief and sadness. John studied a few of them in turn, and wondered if he had become too cynical. He couldn’t convince himself that all their grief was real. Too many years in his early life spent living with people who changed emotions like others put on sunglasses had made him skeptic towards most outward displays of emotion. The only convincing performances were those given by Nika’s parents, and John believed their feelings were real.
Sitting on either end of the slice of circle that was occupied by Nicole’s family were Brian and Daniel, friends of Nika’s who had at one time shared a relationship with her similar to the one John had shared. John had met both of them briefly at the service earlier; he had received and awkward greeting from Daniel and a glare of morose contempt from Brian. In the chair next to John sat Luke, staring at the coffin with such ferocious intensity that John wondered in he were trying to bring back the casket’s inhabitant by sheer force of will. John paused to study Luke for a moment, then turned his attention back to the rest of the gathering.
“… he restores my soul. He guides me in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me…”
The service before the burial gathering had felt awkward to John, a strange parody of a wedding service. The bereaved had filtered into the chapel slowly, and without any clear direction had divided themselves into friends on the groom’s side and family on the bride’s. John had been to enough funerals to recognize the difference between those that celebrated the life of the passed, and those that mourned the passing. He wished Nika’s service had been more of a celebration. Later, he would drink to her memory with friends and find some way to celebrate her life, but this particular moment was a dirge. John had willed his body to cry then, but the tears hadn’t come; his damnable eyes remained dry throughout the burial.
The minister wound to a close at the grave site, and sat down, bowing his head in contemplative silence. The cemetery crew, previously standing with their tools in the shade of a nearby oak tree, came forward now and began the process of lowering the casket into the earth. John wondered what working in a cemetery must be like, and reflected that it was nearly impossible to look dignified and respectful while your arms were straining with the task of interring someone else’s traveling coach to the afterlife. The workers eventually finished and retreated back to the tree. A silence, broken only by the wind through the trees and the singing of far-off birds, descended on the gathering.
After a moment, a woman John recognized from pictures as having been a friend of Nika’s came forward and let a bracelet slip from her fingers into the open grave. She turned and headed back towards the waiting line of cars at the road through the cemetery. Others from among Nicole’s friends and family slowly followed suit, and soon enough John, Brian and Daniel stood up as if having all come to the same thought simultaneously. The three of them formed three points of a triangle, as if each was trying to be equidistant from the others. John gave a chuckle under his breath at the absurdity. Each man took his turn and left some token of memorium, Brian and Daniel leaving some trinket that John couldn’t see. When it came John’s turn, he paused, reached in his pocket, and drew out a necklace with a pentagram charm, each side of the pentagram a different word wrought in silver and framing a dark purple gemstone.
“I wish I could’ve given this to you earlier,” John whispered, and he left the necklace fall into the grave. John turned away, and saw Luke drop a ring identical to the one Luke wore on the third finger of his left hand into the grave. John walked towards his car without looking back.
–
The reception was held at the house Nika shared with Luke. John felt no appetite, and so wandered past the plates of food laid out in the dining room and quietly explored the house. He saw little signs that indicated Nika had spent some time in this place, the splash of color in a drab setting, or the twinkle of the sun’s rays through a crystal hanging in a side window. Moving slowly but purposefully John tried to familiarize himself with the place where Nika had spent some of her last days. He felt he was missing something, as though he only had part of the story that was Nicole Hailie, and that he could not lay her to rest until he was satisfied with the ending. He passed an open doorway and saw what could only be Nika and Luke’s bedroom. John stood as memories of other bedrooms with Nika washed over him, but quickly turned and continued down the hall until he found a door with a familiar symbol of figures and shapes painted at shoulder level.
The cut glass knob was cold under his hand as he opened the door, and the old wood creaked. A glance around the room told him he had found what he was looking for. Pens and papers and pencils and books and dried flowers and dozens of other wonderful things filled the space, the floor, the desk, the walls. Beanbag chairs and throw rugs were the dominant furniture features, as Nika was rarely one to be confined to a chair. John moved over to the shelves, eyeing new additions to Nicole’s library wedged with old favorites, before he noticed three large binders prominently set aside on the desk. Realizing what the binders must be, John nearly tripped on a throw rug in his rush towards the desk. Flipping the topmost binder open, John breathed out slowly as he reveled in the confirmation of what he had hoped: here lie the collected writings of Nicole Hailie. The collection had grown since last John had seen it, and he hunted through the binders with absolute focus, noting the new material as well as edits to the old. So engrossed was John in his exploration that he did not notice the figure standing in the doorway until it spoke.
“She never got any of it published you know.” Luke stepped into the room and gazed towards John and binders with a faraway look in his eye. “She never thought it was good enough.”
“I’ll never understand why,” John responded, closing the binder and looking towards Luke. “I kept expecting to walk by a bookstore and see her name on the cover of a bestseller.”
“She never thought she was finished.” Luke let his gaze wander, taking in the organized chaos that had been Nika’s sanctuary. “It was never quite perfect enough.”
John nodded in sympathy and returned his focus to the binders, wondering what was inside that Nicole had never shared. He heard footsteps approaching and turned towards the door. Daniel and Brian, both contriving to look as if neither was aware of the other’s presence, poked their heads around the door and stepped into the room.
“So here’s where you both are. I noticed you left the group and couldn’t stand to be trapped any more. So I thought I’d find you. ” Brian spoke to both of them without paying any real attention to the words, his eyes roving over all the little details of the room. “This room was hers, wasn’t it??
“Yes,” replied Luke. “Yes it was.”
“And those?” Daniel asked, pointing to the binders. “That’s her writing, right?”
“Yes. Why?” Luke cast a suspicious glance toward Daniel.
“What were you planning to do with them?”
“Hadn’t really thought about it yet.” John cast Luke a look. That had sounded like a lie. “Again, why?”
“Some of that was written while we were together,” said Daniel. “I feel I have some say in what happens to it.”
“Me too,” Brian added.
“Why should either of you have any say over anything of hers? Luke demanded angrily, fire flashing behind his eyes.
“Some of us here have known her a lot longer than you.” Venom dripped from Brian’s words.
“Oh? And what vows did you make to her before your family and friends? When did you swear undying love and adoration for as long as you both shall live?” Luke was near yelling now, and there was rage and pain in his eyes.
“Gentlemen, let’s face it.” John spoke quietly from the corner near the desk. “We forfeited any claim to Nicole the day her and Luke exchanged rings. You’re dishonoring her memory, on today of all days.”
“Fine,” Brian growled. “Well, Luke, what are you going to do with those binders?”
“Nika left instructions, actually,” replied Luke. “The binders are supposed to go with John.”
“What!” John, Brian, and Daniel exclaimed in tandem.
“The binders go to John with the stipulation that he get Nika’s work ready for publishing and perform due diligence on getting it published, due diligence to be judged by me. If John is found slacking in any ureasonable way, money is set aside to sue him for gross negligence of property.?
“What if I refuse?” inquired John.
“Then there are a few pieces I am allowed to keep, and the rest must be burned.”
John stared for a second, then gave a little giggle, which became a roaring laugh and then settled down. John sighed.
“Ok. I’ll do it.”
–
Seven years to the day after John had sat on this hill and watched them lower her into the ground, he returned to Nika’s grave. He had done so previously to see if it had been time yet, but the feeling had never been right. Today he returned with a package in hand and thought he just might be able to see how the story ended from here. He stood in silence for a moment, searching for something to say. He could only think of one thing.
“It’s done, Nika, and you were amazing. Be at peace, love.”
With that, he unwrapped his package and laid it at the foot of the headstone. Glancing at the flower-within-a-pentragram on the stone, he smiled and thought of the neckalce of words under his feet with Nika, the same words on the book now lying in front of him.
Live As Only You Can
Vol. 1
By Nicole Hailie
John turned, and walked away.
And that’s it. I’m done. Next stop: Script Frenzy.
